Eternally Entwined

Day 9 of the 10 Day Challenge

2010-11-09T11:38:00.004-06:00

Today's post is actually just a post from me, Mark. I wanted to give an exciting update to my attempts to overcome Intimacy Anorexia. I have made a couple of exciting breakthroughs. Most readers will probably have no experience with this disorder and will not get what I am about to share. Heck I think if I would have told myself this information a week ago, I wouldn't have gotten it. So I may be sharing this for no reason at all. Still someone, some day might be called to come and read this information and will find it as enlightening as I do.

First let me catch everyone up. I have been going to a 12 Step group called Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) for a year and a half now. I have long considered (and still do today) consider myself addicted to masturbation, fantasy and pornography. However, I have been able through the help of the SA fellowship to find another way of living without having to resort to these behaviors to numb my emotional turmoil. I have been sober now acording to their definition of sobriety (which is the Church's definition of the Law of Chasity) for a year and a half now. That is a huge acomplishment that I had now power on my own to do. I needed to rely on the power of Heavenly Father asking for his help one day at time to get to this point. And I will need his help to stay away from these behaviors every day for the rest of my life.

For several years now I have known through my Therapy studies the work of Patrick Carnes and more recently Doug Weiss. Both of them are therapists and sex addicts as well that have found success in overcoming thier addictive behaviors through 12 Step groups. They have also gone on and done a lot of research, written books, and counseled thousands of men and women on their way back from the depth of sexual addiction. Both of them have written about the flip side of sexual addiction being as Dr. Carnes calls it sexual anorexia. And as Dr. Weiss has expanded on the concept called it intimacy anorexia. Both of them have advised applying the same 12 Steps for sexual addiction to sexual or intimacy anorexia. I had told myself that I would begin to work on my sexual/intimacy anorexic behaviors as soon as I been through the 12 steps for my addictive behaviors.

For a number of reasons, I have put off working on my anorexic behaviors until very recently. Only now have I begun to become confident enough to share about some of the very crazy things that go on in my head. This past Saturday, I was explaining to my sponsor in SA what it is like to be anorexic and an addict at the same time. My experience was completely foreign to his experience having only dealt with addictive behaviors. But as he was peicing things together in his head he put it in a way I had never thought about. I almost dismissed it completely as him not really understanding what I was saying. But since that day and through some nudging of the Spirit. I get it. I really get what is at the core of anorexia disease.

You see as members of SA we believe that the core of sexual addiction is an addiction to lust, not an addiction to having sex or orgasms but lust. In otherwords taking the first sips of lust like an alcoholic taking the first sips of alcohol causes them to loose all ability to stop themselves until they have acted out. My sponsor said to me that he wondered if for me whether lust caused the shame or the shame caused the lust in me. It is the chicken and egg question of what came first. I wondered at first if shame is actually the source of my anorexia. I understood the shame cycle and how it fed addiction very clearly. But could it be that my anorexia was actually an addiction to shame?

At first I dismissed this notion as crazy. I didn't like to feel shame. I hated it. But I began to realize that the healthy part of me hated the shame. The anorexic part of me loves it. Many of my fantasizes involve me torturing myself sexually over and over again to the point that I convincence myself of my unworthiness to be sexual with my wife. I then wind up doing any number of things to effectively shut down any possibility of Julie Beth and I having sex with each other. They all lead right back to the shame that I heap upon myself; that my anorexic loves to feel. In fact, when I feel that shame, there is a chemical high like an adrenline rush that courses through my body. My anorexic loves that rush of feeling bad about myself. Ironically, I hate it when others try to shame me. I get very angry at them. But for some reason it is not only alright but needed for myself to shame myself.

Having had an understanding that this is the rush, the pay off for my anorexic behaviors, the flow into using 12 step pinciples has been very natural. I am in the process of working steps 2 and 3 now on my anorexia. I am asking for help from Heavenly Father to overcome this. I know now that I am completely powerless over the feelings of shame and what they lead me to do. But Heavenly Father is not powerless over this. He has all power of this disease. I am begining to feel some relief from it and starting to gain some sobriety from my anorexia. I can't express enough my gratitude for this relief. There is much more growing to do but knowing that there really is a way out is priceless.

Day 8 of the 10 Day Challenge

2010-11-08T12:08:00.006-06:00

Time is winding down on the ten day challenge. It has been a pretty good journey for us so far. We have been able to keep to our commitments but it has also pointed out some challenges that we still have in our relationship as well. On Day 10 we will post the top ten lessons that we have learned in this journey.

For today though, we thought that it would be good to take a moment to talk about where to turn to for help. We are grateful to see as time has gone on that there appears to be more and more positive support for couples who are having sexual issues. However, we recognize an equally larger crop of less helpful sources out there. In our experience we have learned (sometimes the hard way) that the following are means to tell the difference between the two:

1.) The more the support emphasizes working on relationships with God to build sexual intimacy the better it works for helping us.
2.) The more the support emphasizes working on relationships with each other to build sexual intimacy the better it works for helping us.
3.) The more the support emphasizes taking a look at how we think about sex and our sexuality the better it works for helping us.
4.) The more the support emphasizes education about how our bodies work the better it works for helping us.
5.) The more the support encourages us to experiment on our own and the less it emphasizes specific sexual techniques as a solution to sexual problems the better it works for helping us.
6.) The more the support using words and ideas vs. pictures or illustrations to understand new concepts the better it works for helping us.
7.) The more the support encourages personal responsibility for change vs. trying to convince our partner to change the better it works in helping us.

Day 7 of the 10 Day Challenge

2010-11-07T19:01:00.004-06:00

It is day seven of the challenge. We took advantage of the weekend and the time change to get some extra sleep. Getting some additional rest has helped a lot in both of us feeling the desire to be sexually intimate with each other. So I guess the lesson there is that sleep helps to increase libido. Go figure :)

Here is the second half of our conflict agreement. We had one viewer e-mail us privately where we used one of these principals to give advice for solving a conflict in their marriage. Which is also a nice reminder that we are more than happy to correspond with anyone via e-mail for any reason. See our contact information to the right.

8. If either of us need a “time out” to cool off we agree in advance that the first time out will be for 15 minutes. The person requesting the time out agrees to state something like: “I need a time out for 15 minutes, I am not leaving the relationship.”
9. We agree to limit discussions of loaded topics to 20 minutes. A timer can be used if either partner wishes. When the time is up we will either agree to continue or reschedule a time to complete the conversation. We agree not to attempt to discuss loaded topics before 9:00 AM or after 9:00 PM.
10. We agree we will not name-call, shame, use offensive language or blame our partner.
11. We agree we will not be physically or emotionally abusive. This includes, and is not limited to, shoving, hitting, door slamming or throwing objects. We also agree not to engage in threatening behavior that we know our partner fears, such as threatening abandonment or exile. If either one of us is in fear of the other due to the conflict we agree to be honest about our feelings.
12. We agree to identify the issue that needs discussion and to keep the conversation about the issue at hand. Understanding the issue at hand may have triggered a “core” issue from the past or family of origin, we agree to attempt to differentiate between the present and the past.
13. We agree not to attempt to resolve a conflict or engage in “fighting” behavior at the following times; while driving; while in bed; during the workday or at a place of employment; when hostile behavior may escalate; and/or when either partner is feeling low, vulnerable, tired, hungry or “not up to the task”.
14. We also agree not to attempt to resolve conflict while in public or around family members. If conflict erupts during these times we agree to acknowledge the upset feelings and agree not to abandon or walk away from the upset person, rather to treat the upset person with kindness.
15. We agree to close a conflict resolution conversation with a couple affirming prayer.
16. We agree to reach out to another couple or neutral third party, if either of us feel we are unable to remain respectful in our attempt to resolve the conflict.

Day 6 of the 10 Day Challenge

2010-11-06T19:59:00.003-05:00

Today, we wanted to share with you part one of two of how we handle conflict in our relationship. It is just like the sexual agreement that we shared with you earlier this week. It helps us when we are upset to get outside of ourselves and remember that we don't always get to be rulers of the universe. We often need to set our egos aside for the greater good of our relationship and family.

1. We agree not to hold onto any grudges or resentments toward each other. If we do ever develop ill feelings toward the other, we will work it out as quickly as possible. We will never walk away from a disagreement. Silence is not an option. We will always present a united front to our children.
2. We agree that each of us is not qualified to judge ourselves as to whether we are being a good husband or wife. Only our spouse is qualified to make this judgment. We will work to change ourselves only. When we are wrong, we will promptly admit it. Usually, sin has been involved in our wrongs to each other requiring full repentance which includes confession, correcting the wrong and a request for forgiveness. In accepting an apology, the offended should never say "That's OK." Because it is not OK. But once forgiveness is given the forgiver must "forget" the matter and loses the right to bring up the topic or have it affect his/her attitude or behavior forever more.
3. We agree to always be teachable. This requires that we listen to the rebuke of the other. The scriptures or conference talks can always be used to point out where our thoughts or behaviors are contrary to the Gospel. In disagreements the more permissive one will yield to and support the more conservative one.
4. We will never be so involved in the Church or employment as to cause harm to our marriage or our children. Our priorities are to first love with all our hearts God, then each other and next our children in that order. No great outside success can ever fully compensate for a failure within our home.
5. If all else fails, we agree to seek sound advice outside of our relationship. This means that we don’t start with the assumption that American culture is correct. We instead will conform our marriage and family life to Gospel standards. We agree to go our Bishop or another professional helper that understands these standards for additional counseling. We will listen to what he/she says. In fact, either one may compel the other to go to a therapist or doctor at any time (jointly).
6. We agree that we are allies and on the same team.
7. We will begin any conversation about conflicts by reviewing our Conflict Agreement.
8. We agree to review this agreement weekly and before attempting to resolve any conflict. We each agree to do our utmost to uphold this agreement.

Day 5 of the 10 Day Challenge

2010-11-05T19:31:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, we talked about sacraficing for your spouse. Today we are going to mention the danger of doing the opposite; giving of yourself too much. Where is the line of giving of yourself too much? It is when you give of yourself when you have nothing to give. AFter all you can't give what you don't have but there are many out there that try.

Now there is one sure way to fill your tanks when you are running low. Heavenly Father is always willing and capable of filling them again. He has unlimited resources to do so. We have to be willing to allow him to help us though. So often humans want to (or beleives they have to) do things on their own. It isn't necessary, we have a friend that loves us and wants to help.

As far as the 10 day challenge, we are still trudging along and keeping up with the challenge. We are learning a lot about ourselves and our relationship. We are also sense that we are getting closer to each other. If in your marriage, you haven't ever tried doing something like this, we recommend making plans with your spouse to do this in the near future.

Day 4 of the 10 Day Challenge

2010-11-04T12:43:00.004-05:00

We're on to day four of the challenge. More and more the message we are getting from this challenge is how sacrifice brings about blessings. Lets face some truth here. It might shock you to know this but we (meaning humans in general) can be pretty selfish. But marriage and family life forces you to look beyond your selfish tendencies. That is of course if want a good marriage and a happy family. You need to do things (quite frequently) that you don't like doing but you know is for the greater good.

The ten day in a row sex challenge increases the chances that at least one of those nights, you are going to have sex when you really aren't that up for being intimate. What do you do? Well at first, you go through the motions. But chances are some where along the lines, your body will start to react. And unless you are really grouchy and resentful, your brain will too. Then comes the reward of being able to connect as two healthy adults that love each other and are committed to each other. This prize is priceless; actual connection and actual love. What else in our lives can do this as well as sex? The answer is very few.

Are you willing to give your spouse the gift of yourself? The answer is easy when life is rosy and full of romance. What about when it isn't. What about when it is a long hard day at work or at home with the kids? What about when your evening is filled with Scouts or activity day girls? What about when you desperately want some sleep? All this happened to us last night. If you can learn to give even when everything is hardly perfect, isn't the truest form of love?

And it feels good to give of yourself. And chances are that as you do so, you'll want to do so again; potentially snowballing into a flood of generosity. The world teaches though to always watch out for number 1 only and to get what you want when you want it. So chances are good that you'll go back to selfish ways if you forget that it really is worth it.

That is why we are so grateful for this challenge and the opportunity to remember that is is better to give than receive. We hope you all have a blessed day. We'll see you tomorrow where we will be to Day 5, half way through.

Day 3 of the 10 Day Challenge

2010-11-03T14:27:00.005-05:00

Hello y'all. It is Day 3 of the 10 day challenge. We are continuing on in our commitment. We did need to wedge our time together between watching Toy Story 3 with the children and the election coverage (we turn into political junkies around election time every two years).

We'd like to share with all of you one of the things we have picked up around the web. In fact it is hard to remember where we got all the ideas so it is difficult to give due credit to these ideas. Plus we have modified them to fit our own needs. It is a list of sexual commitments we are willing to make to each other. We are still working on a couple of the commitments to get better at but it represents what we see as our sexual ideal together. We call it our sexual agreement. So with "jazz hands" waving (inside joke) here it is:

SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT

1. We recognize God is the creator and author of our sexuality. Sex is good, beautiful and a gift from God for our intimacy, pleasure, and procreation. We agree to cultivate inside ourselves a desire to participate in sex frequently by being cheerful and generous lovers.
2. We agree not to use sex as a reward for "good" behavior nor will we withhold sex as a punishment for "bad" behavior.
3. We agree that a decision to be sexual together will be a mutual one negotiated between adults, in the same way as any other choice.
4. We agree to attempt awareness of our “presence” during sexual initiation and promise to communicate that state of awareness, i.e., we can say “I feel sexually attracted to you.” It is okay not to have sex even if one of us has communicated that he/she is feeling sexual.
5. We both agree to initiate sex frequently. But we will not initiate sex when we are reasonably certain that engaging in sex will cause either pain or injury, or resentment in either one of us. These times should be very rare.
6. We agree that the one with less sexual desire will always try to please the one with greater desire. Refusal is acceptable when engaging in sex will cause pain, injury or resentment in either of us. These situations should be rare but when one happens, a brief explanation at the moment should occur.
7. We agree to pray before and after being sexual together.
8. We agree that not all sex needs to involve romance or a big buildup. "Quickies" are fine occasionally.
9. We give each other ALL our sexuality and intimacy. This means constantly guarding our eyes and minds from lust and asking for help from God in this effort. It also excludes use of pornography, masturbation, and the keeping of friends of the opposite sex. We do not expect privacy from each other in these things.
10. We agree that we each have the authority over the other's body according to 1 Cor 7. This authority should only be used to increase intimacy, never decrease it. And neither of us have the right to be critical of any or all parts of our bodies God is the creator of our bodies and only He has a right to be critical of any of His creations.
11. We agree to develop and use couple affirmations about our relationship and our sexuality.
12. We agree to work our individual recovery programs as well as our couple’s recovery around issues that arise in sexuality.
13. We agree to review this agreement together weekly to help us stay focused on our progress toward our commitment.

Feel free to take any or all ideas you want for your relationship. Modify them as make sense for your relationship given your unique backgrounds. We will see you tomorrow with more ideas.

Day 2 of the 10 Day Challenge

2010-11-02T12:33:00.007-05:00

Well who would have ever guessed it? Day 1 was suppose to be the easy day. However a whole bunch of thing conspired against us. It ultimately became a test of whether or not we were serious about our commitments to each other and to this 10 day challenge.

Julie Beth was out with three of our children at dance classes. Mark was at home taking advantage of the much reduced noise in the house. He ultimately succumbed to the temptations of lying on that huge flat thing in our bedroom. Mark was sound asleep by the time Julie Beth came home. Julie Beth so wanted to join him and sneak into joyful slumber as well. But through dusty eyes we trudged our way through family prayer. And then afterwards when the kids were whisked off to their beds and the door securely locked came the moment of truth. Any normal day with as tired as we both were, we would have both been asleep in five minutes flat. But there was something we were missing. Oh yeah, it was that 10 Day Challenge thing.

So we went through the motions. We had sex. It wasn't climb up the walls and raise the roof sex. It was just plain old vanilla sex. We smiled a bit at each other afterwards. We talked a bit and then we went to sleep. But this morning upon waking something was different. It was small and almost imperceptive but it was different never the less. Both of us were bubbling with things we wanted to talk about andshare with each other things that we didn't have time yesterday to share. In fact, Mark was late for work (and made even later while running to the polls to vote as well). On the way to work, Mark felt a strong gratefulness in his heart for his beloved bride and whispered a small prayer for God's providence in finding her. All this was not anything that we expected after just one day. There are nine more. What else will we experience?

To expand a little on yesterday's discussion of why we are doing this, there has always been difficulty in our bedroom. At one point in time, we called it depression. Then later on we called it sexual addiction. Now the label we are calling it is Intimacy Anorexia. Intimacy Anorexia is a condition described by Dr. Weise. This is actually relatively new label for an old problem; the lack of desire for having sex in the first place. Dr. Weise got this concept from the term Sexual Anorexia that was coined by Dr. Carnes. Both of them have noticed in their practice of working with clients who had sexual addictions that sometimes addictive behaviors morphed into anorexic behavior; from sex being the greatest need to it being the greatest fear.

For Mark though the fear or difficulty with being sexual has always been there. And it has manifested itself into all kinds of strange symptoms. More recently, Mark has literally developed hives (looking like mosquito bites) and his lip swelling like some punched him hard in the mouth. All of this from the anxiety built up of anticipating being sexual. Yesterday in fact this happened again. It may even be that the being very sleepy and falling asleep at 7:30PM was also a symptom of the Intimacy Anorexia.

So yes, this is a big challenge for us. Why are we doing it? Because we love each other and we love God. We trust that this and all of our experiences in this life will work together for our good. We have no clue where this whole journey will lead us. But we are willing to go through it because of the promise is that one day it will all get better. And finally we don't want to do this alone. So much good information and advice that we have gotten has come from others posting their stories on the Internet on blogs and chat rooms. We wanted to share ours with you as a way to give back what we have so generously received. If you'd like, you can feel free to post a piece of your story in the comments. You can stay anonymous if you'd like.

Day 1 of the 10 Day Challenge

2010-11-01T11:34:00.006-05:00

We thought that we'd explain a little more about why we choose to go for this 10 Day challenge. Approximately two weeks ago we had a serious conflict. Julie Beth wanted to have sex. It was the weekend. The kids were out the house playing. We had just had two very frustrating calls trying to find a cabin we could rent in the Smoky Mountains for a few days the week after Thanksgiving. This was a vacation that has been put off because lack of money for three years. Mark wanted it to be perfect but he wasn't willing to pay a million bucks either. Nothing was working the way we wanted it to and we were only getting more frustrated. Julie Beth thought it was time to put all that out of our minds and to just connect together through some much needed time alone together. But Mark was too worked up and flatly declined to have sex wanting to still push forward and find that perfect cabin to rent by searching more on the Internet. Nothing was said at the moment but both of us knew we had a problem in our marriage and it went way beyond the refusal to have sex just one time. The pattern of this occurring was pretty frequent lately. In fact Mark seemed to be refusing quite a lot lately and really all of our marriage if we were honest about it. What was going on? Isn't it the guy that is suppose to always want sex and the gals that are always putting them off?

The truth is that Mark has always been an introvert. An idea of a great evening for him is a night of watching TV or spending time on the Internet to disconnect from the world. An idea of a great time for Julie Beth is getting out of the house and leaving the responsibility of home schooling our five children back at home. There is not a lot of compatibility in those two desires. So again, what do we do?

That was the question that faced us that evening. We understood the problem. We didn't understand the way out. What began to unfold for us during our marathon conversation is that there was one undeniable truth. God loved us and wanted our marriage to survive and grow. He would guide us down the road to finding greater happiness. He would provide the way.

And wow has He!! And He has done so in such a short time as well! We believe that this 10 Day Challenge is just one piece of the journey that God is leading us down right now. There is some other great advice from other couples out there in the blogisphere that we found and have already started putting into place in our relationship. We look forward to sharing some of them with you guys over the next couple of days. For now, wish us luck as we start on this challenge. See you all tomorrow.

We're Back

2010-10-31T17:02:00.008-05:00

We are back. We took a break from blog writing as we went through some very personal struggles. But these struggles have proved to just strengthen us. Hopefully these experiences will make us better blog writers as well. We have more experience now to back up the advice that we post.

And we are starting back to blog writing by picking up the challenge of another blogger. It is a 10 day challenge to be sexually active with each other as a married couple for staring November 1st and ending November 10th. You can see the complete challenge by going to 10 Day Challenge.

We plan to share here on our blog our journey through the next 10 days of this challenge. And we are expecting it to be a challenge. We seem to be like a lot of couples out there. We have allowed a lot of outside activities to come and take bigger priorities in our lives than we ought to have. I know that more than once over the next 10 days we will have the thought "Gosh, I really don't want to have sex tonight". But we plan on battling through those self defeating thoughts and do our best. We hope that maybe our experience might encourage others out there to do the same.

Sexual Addiction - Part 4 of 4

2009-07-19T09:12:00.004-05:00

One of the more successful treatments for addictions of any kind has been 12 step programs. Originally the twelve steps were developed for helping alcoholics to overcome an addiction to alcohol in the 1930s. These are the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous:

1.) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4.) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5.) Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.) Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8.) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
12.) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Later the success of the twelve steps for alcohol proved to be effective on other addictions other than alcohol. The four largest 12 step groups for sex addiction are the following:

SA - Sexaholics Anonymous
SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous
SCA - Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

The twelve steps are meant to primarily to be a spiritual journey of repentance. There is a strong emphasis of coming to understand God and turning over the role of overcoming the addiction to Him. The pure definition of addiction is that the individual by themselves cannot overcome the addiction no matter how hard or perfectly they try. However, by giving power over to God to have Him overcome the addiction, recovery becomes a possibility again.

Because of the spiritual nature of the twelve steps, it has also been adapted for use with the LDS church and it's doctrines as well. The first such LDS 12-step fellowship that was created was the Heart-t'-Heart fellowship. Then later LDS Family Services created the Addiction Recovery Program.

All of the above 12 step programs each have pros and cons. And each are largely governed on the local level. So there is no way to possibly recommend one 12 step fellowship over another. What might be a fantastic twelve step program in one area of the world may be serious lacking in another part. So for the new person staring out, it may be necessary to try a couple of different groups before settling on one.

That first step of actually reaching out and asking for help is by far the most difficult of them all. This is called often as "Step Zero". In the next post, we will talk about taking this step and some thoughts and encouragement about taking that step.

Sexual Addiction - Part 3 of 4

2009-07-04T14:35:00.004-05:00

Last time we talked about the cycle that accompanies addiction. Now we will discuss the cycle that breaks addictions and sets a person on the path to happiness. We will start the description of this cycle by talking about a person who feels a connection to others. He or she feels a love and warmth for them and genuinely believes that others care equally about them.

When a person has such feelings of connection to others it is natural to have desires to do nice things for them. It could be as simple an act of service as providing a warm smile all the way to something as complex putting a new roof on the house. The point is that connection brings about a desire to do what is best for others rather than what is best for them self.

The reward for providing service to others is great happiness and peace. Over and over again people are willing to make tremendous sacrifices of time and money for the well being of others. And the joy of having done that and knowing that it made a difference is indescribable and worth every second of time and penny of money that went into the effort. And oftentimes it is worth much more.

When a person has secured this type of happiness in their lives the most common reaction is a desire to share that happiness with others. This opens up lines of communication. People don't necessarily always share what it is that has caused them happiness. In fact oftentimes, there isn't even a conscious connection between the action of service and the happiness. Therefore we aren't suggesting that people tend to talk a lot about what they have done for others. However, they do know when they are happy and love to share that happiness with others.

And when one does share that happiness with others, they experience a connection with them. This brings us back full circle in the cycle. So if you missed the steps in that cycle lets quickly recap them. It is first feeling connected to others. Second it is doing kind acts for others. Third it is finding happiness in the service for others. Fourth it sharing that happiness with others.

Did you notice a big difference between the cycle described in the last post and this post? The last cycle was all about the self. This cycle is all about others. Recovery is a journey of pulling out of a pattern of isolation, shame, and self-hatred into a pattern of connection, peace, and self-satisfaction. However, making such a switch is not easy to do. Head knowledge of the right thing to do is not enough. The heart and spirit must be engaged. This is extremely difficult to do. In fact the truly addicted cannot make this change on their own. In our next two posts, we will discuss 12 step programs and their role in helping to bring about this pattern of change.

Sexual Addiction - Part 2 of 4

2009-06-13T13:18:00.007-05:00

The pure definition of addiction is continuing to do something that provides temporary relief while creating long term pain. Those that have not personally experienced addiction don't understand why the addicted just stops the painful behavior. Understanding a little bit about the addictive cycle will explain why just stopping is not possible.

A cycle by its very nature is circular in pattern. There is no real beginning or end to the addictive cycle. It just keeps going around and around again. However, in our explanation of the addictive cycle, we need to start some where. So we will begin when a person feels isolated and misunderstood by others. For the addicted this is an extremely painful state that builds up.

When they can take it no more, they seek relief from this pain. They know that there is a way to find relief even if it is for a short time. This something is the drug of their choice. For the sexually addicted this is some sexual behavior. For the alcoholic this is alcohol. For the Cocaine Addict it is cocaine. A part of the addicted person knows good a well that long term effects of participating in their drug of choice will cause long term suffering. But none of that matters much because the current pain is so great. Therefore they partake in the self indulgent behavior of their addiction to find that one moment of happiness that know that they will receive from their drug of choice.

Afterwards, despite hope to the contrary, shame about their behavior creeps in. The Holy Spirit will never condone self destructive behavior. Therefore the addict is left with profound emptiness. There is no desire share with others about what they have done. In fact, their greatest fear, is that others will know the truth about what they have done. This leads to them an overwhelming need to cover their tracks and lie about their behavior. Deception occupies their activities.

This behavior may be successful in confusing the love ones in their life about what is really happening. But it is has one extremely painful side effect. No one really understands them except maybe a fellow addict. But even a fellow addict doesn't truly understand the depth of personal grief and its source. We then finish where we started in the first place in the cycle and the addiction carries on.

And this cycle will continue on indefinitely without divine intervention. There is hope for getting out of this cycle but it isn't pleasant path because it requires facing ugliness and pain that the addict has tried so hard to avoid. In our next post, we will discuss the cycle of happiness and how it directly contradicts the cycle of happiness.

Sexual Addiction - Part 1 of 4

2009-06-07T06:39:00.005-05:00

This week, we are staring a new series on sexual addiction. It will cover how to recognize what a sexual addiction is, how powerful it can be, how it effects marriages and families, and forms of treatment. It is important to discuss this topic because with the convenience of the Internet, this has turned into a near pandemic. Some estimates are as high as 20 -30 % of adults and adolescents in America have at least a mild form of this problem.

Sexual addiction, simply defined is engaging in sexual behavior compulsively despite it's negative effects. Some of these negative effects are guilt, remorse, emptiness, self loathing, pain, destruction of relationships, loss of money, loss of time, and spirituality. Every addict has at least one part of them that wishes that they could stop the behavior but another more powerful part of them enjoys the natural "high" of the sexual lust and release. The addicted will return over and over back to the sexual behavior despite knowing full well how it is hurting them to do so.

The following are some questions quoted directly from Sexaholics Anonymous that will help an individual determine for themselves if they are need of help for a sexual addiction.

1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?
2. That you'd be better off if you didn't keep “giving in”?
3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?
6. Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?
7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
10. Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
11. Do you keep going from one “relationship” or lover to another?
12. Do you feel the “right relationship” would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
13. Do you have a destructive need—a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
16. Do you lose time from work for it?
17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
18. Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
19. Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?
20. Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?
© 1997-2009 Sexaholics Anonymous Inc.

Souls, Symbols, Sacraments - Part 6

2009-05-30T06:55:00.005-05:00

Hopefully the rest of this series helped you to view the overwhelmingly positive manner that God views sex within the bonds of marriage. We hope you now see "Why it is so right and rewarding and stunningly beautiful when it is within marriage and approved of God (not just "good" but "very good," he declared to Adam and Eve)", Jeffrey R. Holland.

When we wrote this series, we assumed that the reader understood well how sex can equally be destructive when it is used inappropriately. However, since the primary point of Jeffrey R. Holland's talk was to warn single members against defiling such a beautiful gift, we are going to dedicate some time here to some of the warnings against using sex inappropriately. Any sexual expression that occurs outside the marriage covenant is a sin and will cause pain. "Our penalty may not come on the precise day of our transgression, but it comes surely and certainly enough, and were it not for a merciful God and the treasured privilege of personal repentance, far too many would even now be feeling that hellish pain, which (like the passion we have been discussing) is also always described in the metaphor of fire."

"Or, in the more ecclesiastical words of James E. Talmage: It has been declared in the solemn word of revelation, that the spirit and the body constitute the soul of man; and, therefore, we should look upon this body as something that shall endure in the resurrected state, beyond the grave, something to be kept pure and holy. Be not afraid of soiling its hands; be not afraid of scars that may come to it if won in earnest effort, or [won] in honest fight, but beware of scars that disfigure, that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone, that have befallen you in unworthy undertakings [pursued where you ought not have been]; beware of the wounds of battles in which you have been fighting on the wrong side. Talmage, CR, October 1913, p. 117]

There is much temptation in our modern society to violate the marriage covenant and seek sexual pleasure apart from our spouse. It is a full on assault by Satan to place the children of God into bondage and slowly lead them away into destruction. But let us be crystal clear here. Sex isn't the problem. Sex outside marriage is.

There are many ways to protect against this onslaught from Satan. But we suggest one in particular here. Remind yourself often of the true nature of marital sex as it was given to us by a loving Heavenly Father. Make being sexually active with your spouse a priority. Make having a healthy and positive attitude about your sexual relationship with your spouse important. Your Heavenly Father stands ready, willing, and able to bless this part of your life. Take him up on this offer.

Souls, Symbol, and Sacraments - Part 5

2009-05-16T11:47:00.006-05:00

Memories of spiritual moments have a profound effect on our lives. It is likely that you will never forget the day that you were baptized or the day you first went to the temple. Not only were they sacred rites of passage on your path to eternity but the Spirit that accompanied you at this moment was likely extremely sacred as well. It felt like the arms of Heavenly Father were wrapped tightly around you.

The Lord wants us to remember these moments often. Therefore He implemented the sacrament to give us the opportunity to re-experience those special moments each Sunday if we approach it with the proper attitude. It never fails that when we give it the proper respect to the sacrament that we should, the sacrament never ceases to encourage and uplift us.

Jeffrey R. Holland dared to not only compare being sexual with our spouses as being like the sacrament but called it a sacrament itself. He said, "Sexual intimacy is not only a symbolic union between a man and a woman--the uniting of their very souls--but it is also symbolic of a union between mortals and deity, between otherwise ordinary and fallible humans uniting for a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this wide universe of ours. In this latter sense, human intimacy is a sacrament, a very special kind of symbol. For our purpose here today, a sacrament could be any one of a number of gestures or acts or ordinances that unite us with God and his limitless powers. We are imperfect and mortal; he is perfect and immortal. But from time to time--indeed, as often as is possible and appropriate--we find ways and go to places and create circumstances where we can unite symbolically with him, and in so doing gain access to his power. Those special moments of union with God are sacramental moments--such as kneeling at a marriage altar, or blessing a newborn baby, or partaking of the emblems of the Lord's supper. This latter ordinance is the one we in the Church have come to associate most traditionally with the word sacrament, though it is technically only one of many such moments when we formally take the hand of God and feel his divine power. These are moments when we quite literally unite our will with God's will, our spirit with his spirit, where communion through the veil becomes very real. At such moments we not only acknowledge his divinity, but we quite literally take something of that divinity to ourselves. Such are the holy sacraments."

"Indeed, if our definition of sacrament is that act of claiming and sharing and exercising God's own inestimable power, then I know of virtually no other divine privilege so routinely given to us all—women or men, ordained or unordained, Latter-day Saint or non-Latter-day Saint--than the miraculous and majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable, unfathomable, unbroken power of procreation. There are those special moments in your lives when the other, more formal ordinances of the gospel--the sacraments, if you will--allow you to feel the grace and grandeur of God's power. And I submit to you that you will never be more like God at any other time in this life than when you are expressing that particular power."

We frequently loose sight of how divine like our Heavenly Father has made us. We are lost in the forest of bills that must be paid, children needing fed, and piles of laundry to remember what a special gift we have been given. We literally are participating with Heavenly Father's plan of salvation in our sexual expressions. And this is true even if our imperfect mortal bodies have failed us some how in this life from fully participating. This is because one day our spirits will be housed in perfected immortal bodies.

Now is the time for us to learn about Heavenly Father's true plan for our sexuality in our lives. We must know in our hearts that sex was designed and created by Him for a special purpose in our marriages. Just as we must frequently take the bread and water to remember our individual covenants, it is equally important that we partake of the marital sacrament to renew our commitment to our spouse and our marriage covenant with God. Sex deserves to be raised to the same level as all our other sacred, spiriual events in our lives.

Souls, Symbol, and Sacraments - Part 4

2009-04-26T18:47:00.004-05:00

When a man and a woman fall in love with each other, the beginning of a great miracle starts. Slowly over time a bond forms. Separate worlds become one. Hearts are knitted together. Spirits gain strength. The culmination of the coming together is marriage. It is then that Heavenly Father allows and even commands that the last piece of the joining to take place.

Jeffrey R. Holland says this more eloquently than our words could ever express. He says that"... human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is--or certainly was ordained to be--a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal. The Prophet Joseph Smith once said we perhaps ought to render such a sacred bond as "welding"--that those united in matrimony and eternal families are "welded" together, inseparable if you will, to withstand the temptations of the adversary and the afflictions of mortality. (See D&C 128:18.)But such a total, virtually unbreakable union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess--their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple. And the external symbol of that union, the physical manifestation of what is a far deeper spiritual and metaphysical bonding, is the physical blending that is part of--indeed, a most beautiful and gratifying expression of--that larger, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise."

As Jeffrey R. Holland continues he makes sure that we understand in very clear terms that sexual expression is an important part of this entwining of two lives. He says, "In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman they are as nearly and as literally "one" as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when he invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).Obviously, such a commandment to these two, the first husband and wife of the human family, has unlimited implications--social, cultural, and religious as well as physical--but that is exactly my point. As all couples come to that moment of bonding in mortality, it is to be just such a complete union."

If sex is such a wonderful bonding experience in marriage, then what has happened to it? Why does it not seem to held up, honored, and savored in our homes? Why has it become devoid and empty? Dr. Victor L. Brown, Jr. explains this by saying "Our sexuality has been animalized, stripped of the intricacy of feeling with which human beings have endowed it, leaving us to contemplate only the act, and to fear our impotence in it. It is this animalization from which the sexual manuals cannot escape, even when they try to do so, because they are reflections of it. They might [as well] be textbooks for veterinarians."

If sexual expression has become empty for you, understand this one point. Sex is much more than bringing your body into very close proximity to your spouse's. You must learn how to bring your heart, mind, and spirit to your marriage bed as well. That is why working on your marriage is the best way to improve your sexual lives together. That is why sex begins in the kitchen... and dining room... and family room. You get the point. For some help with your marriage, please see our other website http://eternalhelpmates.blogspot.com/. We are also available for free advice through e-mail by contacting us at eternalhelpmates@gmail.com.

Souls, Symbol, and Sacraments - Part 3

2009-04-19T10:31:00.005-05:00

For Latter-day Saints, we have greater understanding about the nature of the human soul. In D&C 88:15) we are told that the human soul is comprised of the spirit and the body. We know that the body that we have now is corrupted with illnesses and infirmities and will eventually wear out. When it does wear out, our bodies and spirit will be separated in the process that we know as physical death.

If this were to be the permanent status of mankind, the plan of salvation would be frustrated. We "cannot receive a fullness of joy" (D&C 93:34) when our bodies and spirit are separated. Therefore a Savior was provided for us. Through Him we will all receive a perfected body during the Resurrection.

Therefore our bodies are clearly needed and useful in our eternal state. Jeffrey R. Holland quoted a 1913 sermon by Elder James E. Talmage on this doctrinal point: We have been taught . . . to look upon these bodies of ours as gifts from God. We Latter-day Saints do not regard the body as something to be condemned, something to be abhorred. . . . We regard [the body] as the sign of our royal birthright. . . . We recognize . . . that those who kept not their first estate . . . were denied that inestimable blessing. . . . We believe that these bodies . . . may be made, in very truth, the temple of the Holy Ghost. . . .It is peculiar to the theology of the Latter-day Saints that we regard the body as an essential part of the soul. Read your dictionaries, the lexicons, and encyclopedias, and you will find that nowhere [in Christianity], outside of the Church of Jesus Christ, is the solemn and eternal truth taught that the soul of man is the body and the spirit combined. [CR, October 1913, p. 117]

This is part of the reason that we should reverence our bodies and the body of our spouse. To honor our bodies, we are in part honoring the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Our bodies according to Paul in 1 Corinthians 6:13-20 are the bodies of Christ bought with a price and are meant for glorifying God.

Satan, who will never have a body, has done a lot to convince humans that the opposite is true. He does his best to have us to believe that all sexual expression, even lawfully expressed in marriage, is sinful. As we continue with this series, hopefully we will begin to see that sex in marriage is actually one of the greatest means of glorifying God and his plan of happiness for us.

Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments - Part 2

2009-04-05T16:26:00.005-05:00

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

This is the poem from Robert Frost that Jeffrey R. Holland chooses to begin the next portion of his talk. There is no doubt that sex like fire can be dangerous. We have seen may people that have been severely hurt by inappropriate use of our sexuality. That is why there are such strict commandments given to us by God around it's use.

However, we have seen the opposite as well. This is where one or both spouses in a marriage, believe the expression of sexuality must be controlled in exactly the same manner as before marriage. Nothing could be further than the truth.

Lets return to the analogy of fire to understand better on the role of sex in our lives. Fire can burn people. Fire if not contained properly or left unattended can get out of hand and burn down whole buildings, towns, or forests. This is why we are taught to only build fires in safe locations such as fire pits an have water on hand. This is why we are told to wear or use protective tools when we have to be near fire. Now if this is all we ever knew about fires, A lot of people may begin to think that it would be wise to avoid fire at all cost and never build them. This is certainly a possibility. But what about the positive aspects of fire? Is it not possible to cook food with fire? Is it not possible to make useful tools out of Iron, Steel, or glass with fire? Can't fie produce warmth?

Likewise, we must remember that there is very useful benefits to the expression of our sexuality in marriage. There are positive mental effects such as the reduction of stress and the increase of connectedness and closeness to another human being. There are positive physical effects such as longer life spans and reductions in blood pressure. There are the positive relationship effects of providing a healthy strong bond between couples. And then there are the positive effects of providing for the bodies of Heavenly Father's Spirit Children. Therefore it would be wrong to say that sex is evil or wrong.

If you recognize that you have overly clamped down on your expression of sexuality within your marriage due to fear of the dangers of sex that have been taught, you are not alone. There are many in this generation that struggle with this. We ask that you do two things. First, we ask that you pray to Heavenly Father that He may reveal to you more about His plan for sexual expression in marriage. Second we ask you to continue to follow the rest of this series. We are going to read even more about how sacred and special sexuality really is.

Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments - Part 1

2009-03-29T10:26:00.005-05:00

For our next feature on Eternally Entwined, we are going to do a six part series discussing the BYU talk by Jeffrey R. Holland called Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. He gave this talk while he was still the BYU President, just before he was called as an apostle. You can read the entire talk by clicking here.

We have never read anything about the topic of sexuality more profoundly written than this talk. The original intent of it was to discuss the need for remaining chaste before marriage. But what is so unique about this talk is that Jeffrey R. Holland chose to explain how special and sacred sex is as the primary reason for waiting until marriage. We will highlight his points to remind us who are married the reasons why it is important that we should drink deeply from the fruit of God's gift of sex and keep it sacred.

Jeffrey R. Hollands starts off by making the point that talking about sex is difficult to do. We agree with him and undoubtedly you do as well. However, the consequences of not discussing the topic can have very serious and devastating effects on the mortal and eternal lives of each of us. The topic needs to be discussed. However it needs to be done in an uplifting and respectful way so that Heavenly Father can reinforce the message with his Spirit. Our eternal future depends on it.

Jeffrey R. Holland asked that the Holy Spirit uphold and sanctify his talk. We likewise pray for a sustaining hand from Heavenly Father that everyone who reads these posts be inspired to be just a little bit better in their dealings with sex. There is a battle over our hearts and minds over the topic. The other side appears to picking up its pace for its attack on us. Now is the time to arm ourselves with knowledge from Heaven to push back this attack in our own minds and homes.

As we continue with this series, we hope that you will do more than just read the words. We hope that you will prayerfully ask Heavenly Father if they are true. If necessary, read a reread the words so that the Spirit will testify to you the message He would share with you for your unique situation.

Finally we wish to express our love and commitment to the readers of this blog. We post articles on this blog for no other motivation than to support and uphold your marriages. We look forward to the day when we will all stand before Heavenly Father with our spouses, having gone through all the fiery trials of marriage here on Earth, and are able to share with each other how much the struggle was worth it. That you able to continue to nourish and strengthen your marriage in the ways that ways that the Lord shows you is our prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Spirituality and Sexuality Entwined

2009-03-22T12:15:00.007-05:00

Too often the thinking is that spirituality and sexuality don't mix. If you are one, consider this: the Church Handbook of Instructions states "Married couples also should understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife." How can spiritual bonds be built as a result of sexual relations if spirituality and sexuality aren't entwined with each other?

Have you ever felt the Spirit when you were intimate with your spouse? If you say no, why not? Do you imagine that Heavenly Father's omniscience and omnipresence ends at your bedroom door? Do you think to yourself that Heavenly Father sheilds his eyes in embarrassment that his spirit son and daughter are doing "you know what" once more?

No the reality is that Heavenly Father is quite pleased when married couples take time out to renew their bond with each other. Heavenly Father intends for you and your spouse to enjoy yourselves. Stop dividing in your mind, your spiritual life way over there and your sexual life way over here. Start looking for where the two can overlap in the middle. For example, sex is an amazingly appropriate Sabbath day activity. Or what about making a tradition that you are intimate with each other after temple attendance? Then their is our personal favorite; the discovery of "silky" one-piece garments for women. Let these two worlds begin to collide and enjoy the results.

Entwined With Crashing Waves

2009-03-18T06:30:00.000-05:00

When is the last time that you took some time to sit and just to be still? For example, when did you last just sit on the front porch on a lazy early evening to listen to the night time air. Or when is the last time that you sat in a good rocking chair with nothing in particular to do but listenung to the creeking of the chair? Those of you with busy lives, take note, not taking time out like this every once in awhile can have a negative effect on your sexuality.

What do the two have to do with each other? The answer is plenty. Imagine a wave. Full of intensity coming in and then slowly receding backwards, over and over in a rhythmic pattern. Our lives were designed by Our Creator to be like this. We will not do well with intensity all the time. There must be a calm receding as well to renew us for the next intense crashing wave. Our sexual expression should be the same. Sometimes this just happens naturally. But a lot of times we try so hard to prevent this ebb and flow from happening in our lives.

So many portrayals in the media of a sexual situation of a couple overemphasizes the intense throws of passion side of sexuality. Very rarely do we see opposite porteayed. Some people think then that sexual expression should just be one big intense constant build up until a sexual explosion occurs. If this is the norm for you, try backing off on the intensity for a little bit and then work on building it up again. Then do it again and again repeatedly like cashing waves, repeatedly. The results could be anywhere from pleasant to incredibly intoxicating.

Healthy Attitudes

2009-03-14T07:38:00.005-05:00

So far with the polling results that have come in, it looks like there is a strong desire by readers to improve their attitudes about sexual matters. In today's post we are going to try a little experiment to try to improve our individual sexual attitudes. We are going to post our testimonies about how healthy and positive our sexual selves are and the fact that God approves of our sexual expression in marriage. We are asking you as the readers to post a brief similar testimony (you can remain anonymous if you wish). We are hoping that by having the Spirit testify to us about the truthfulness of what is said here, there will be an increase our understanding and thoughts about sex. Are you ready for this? Here we go...

Julie Beth and I have struggled at times in our past to maintain a healthy attitude about sex. At times we have been selfish. At other times we have believed lies that Satan and the World shares with us about sex. However, slowly, Heavenly Father has taught us about His real attitude about sex. He views sex as vital ingredient in our marriage relationship. He gave it to us as a means of bonding committed partners unlike any other force introduced to mankind. Within sexual bonds we can participate with Him in the creation of human life therefore we gain incredible insight into His nature. Married sexual expression is a sacrament; a renewal of our convenient to each other and to God. He wants us to improve in our sexual experiences with our spouses. He rejoices when we participate in sexual expression with our wives or husbands. Strong sexual desires for our spouse is normal and God designed. We are doing His will when we go out of our way to be unselfish about our sexual expressions. May He continue to testify His truth to us about His sexual design for us in marriage is our prayer. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Now it is your turn Brother and Sisters. This is your opportunity to express your testimony about how the Lord cares about your sexual selves. Please take the time to post your testimony in the comments section below both as a benefit to yourselves and to others who read it. You can remain anonymous if you desire.

The Debate About Oral Sex

2009-03-11T06:30:00.002-05:00

We have promised that we would post about the subject of Oral Sex on this blog. Specifically, the purpose of this post is to discuss whether or not oral sex constitutes an “unholy or impure” act. We have been a part of enough discussions with members to know that this is a question on a lot of member’s minds. While this post will not flat out state one way or other if it is right, it will provide some thoughts and guidelines for answering this question satisfactorily in your own home.

Probably this wouldn’t even be a debate if it were not for a letter that was sent by the First Presidency to the Bishops, Stake Presidents, Mission Presidents, and Branch Presidents in the Church on January 5, 1982. In the letter it states “The First Presidency has interpreted that oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.” We went online to find a copy of this letter from a reliable LDS source to link here. Unfortunately we couldn’t find one. We thought we had found one at a particular site but with further research discovered it was a just a well disguised anti-Mormon website.

Therefore assuming that this was a counsel from the First Presidency to the leaders at the time that oral sex constitutes an “unnatural, impure, or unholy” act, what makes it so? Some have argued that the act is unhygienic and therefore makes it impure. But if that were the case, why wouldn’t a quick shower beforehand take care of this? Some have stated that oral sex is one sided meaning that only one person receives pleasure and the other does not. However, cannot the giver find pleasure in giving? Then some have stated it is a coercive act. Let’s be very clear with this argument. Any sexual act, including oral sex, if coercive is wrong. This means that both partners must agree to whatever sexual activity in which you as a couple participate. But that point doesn’t mean oral sex is any more coercive than any other sexual act.

That does bring us to one excellent point which should be considered in the whole debate. Is there ways to participate in oral sex (or any sex act) that would be degrading, demeaning, demoralizing, or dehumanizing? With some imagination, the clear answer here is yes. Some think that this is possibly what was in the minds of the First Presidency when they wrote the 1982 letter. Some have made conjecture that the First Presidency might have received individual accounts from couples where some type of degrading, demeaning, demoralizing, or dehumanizing factor was in play. There is no real way of knowing if this is what they were considering when they made this declaration, but if this is what they had in mind, it makes a lot of sense in that context.

What is not in debate is that such a declaration has never been repeated. It has never been (then or now) declared to the full membership of the Church. And there is a really wise reason for this. If they walked down the path of doing so, there would be no end to the amount of detail that they would need to provide to explain such a declaration. For example they would need to declare what parts of the body was appropriate to kiss and which were not. And once they made that clear, someone would come with some other situation that they would need to clarify. That is why even in the 1982 letter they instructed leaders that such matters are best handled between the couple and the Lord.

So, personal revelation ultimately will provide the needed clarity on the topic. Let’s be clear about what is and is not personal revelation. Personal revelation is when an individual ponders about a topic and consider it from all angles. Next a prayer is involved. Ideally the individual will come to the Lord with their thoughts on the topic and ask if they are thinking about it correctly. Then they need to be willing for the answer to be the opposite of the conclusion that they came to if it is the Lord’s will. If after both partners praying sincerely in this manner, a lingering doubt or a difference in answers exists, the safest course of action is to discontinue participating in oral sex until you are of one heart and mind.

But what often is confused as personal revelation is feelings of shamefulness or dirtiness after participating in oral sex. Feeling this way is indeed a sign of a problem. However, it is not the Lord trying to convict you that you just committed a sin. The Lord does not do this. Only Satan makes people feel shameful or dirty. If the Lord were to convict you that you just sinned, He would do so in a quiet loving manner. He would figuratively put his hand on your shoulder and convict you that you were doing something you should not be doing. And if you were humble and teachable at the moment, you would recognize his voice and feel good about the choice in not participating in such an action again.

The Lord’s intended purpose for marital sexual expression is to unify and join a couple together. Therefore as a couple seek confirmation from the Lord for what is appropriate for your relationship. And realize that the revelation that you receive may not be appropriate for other couples based on a number of factors. If you would like to read some more about this topic, you can additional discussion from the article: "They Shall Be One Flesh": Sexuality and Contemporary Mormonism by Romel W. Mackelprang, starting on page 60.

Assignment Fourteen – Putting it all Together

2009-03-08T06:30:00.000-05:00

Purpose - Lets look at everything that you have learned up to now:

· You learned that all of your senses play an important role in your love making.
· You learned how to focus on your senses and to intensify them using your mind.
· You learned the importance of setting the environment.
· You learned how to open up emotionally; to be vulnerable.
· You learned the importance of having the right attitude.
· You learned how to touch and be touched.
· You learned the beauty of your body.
· You learned the importance of relaxing.
· You learned the importance of communicating with each other about what each of you are thinking and feeling.
· You learned to look deeply into each other’s eyes.
· You learned how to bring you body closer to orgasm by being connected to your thoughts.
· Most importantly you learned to love your spouse more intensely and sensually than before.

Exercises - Now it is time to put all this good knowledge to good use. Make love to each other sensually using all that you learned. Enjoy the fruit of your labor and the gift Heavenly Father has given you.

* If you tried some or all of these assignments, please email us at eternalhelpmates@gmail.com to tell us what was helpful or what could be improved.

Assignment Thirteen – Moaning

2009-03-07T07:16:00.008-06:00

Purpose - Yes we really mean moaning here. Many couples have lost the art of expressing a connection with their spouse through non-verbal vocal responses. This exercise is aimed at reducing inhibitions and allowing yourself to let go. This activity will be noisy. If you can’t be alone in your house it might really be important to set up a sound barrier by playing music.

Exercises - This assignment will be done with the lights on and starting with both partners fully clothed. Lie close to each other side by side on a bed facing each other. Start by getting relaxed. Take deep, slow breaths. Imagine the two of you on a private warm beach together or some other relaxing place. Do this until you are both relaxed.

Next take some more deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. When you are letting air out from your mouth let a small sound come out. Now keep doing this while you stare into your spouse’s eyes. Each time you breathe out make the noise louder. Do this for a couple minutes.

Next While keeping eye contact with your spouse turn the sound coming from your mouth into ‘ah’s and ‘oh’s. Imagine now that each time you breathe out, there is a message of sexual energy coming from your genitals, through your insides, into your lungs and out through your mouth. Sometimes this causes some awkward laughing and smirking at first. This is just a sign that you need to keep working on this skill until it is comfortable for you. You should eventually sense a build up of sexual energy happening between you and your spouse. It will help to hyper-sensitize your entire body and imagine that you are receiving the sexual energy from your spouse when breathing in. Each time you are breathing out, imagine you are giving every ounce of sexual energy that is inside of you with your 'oh's and 'ah's. Do this all, while looking into each other's eyes. This way, a very real sexual intensity should begin to build between the two of you.

Once this build up between the two of you gets intense enough, hold each other tight but in a way you can still look into each other's eyes. Begin to tense your legs and arms each time you breathe in. Then relax your muscles when you breathe out. Make your 'oh's and 'ah's get more and more intense. Finally just let go of a long intense 'ah' as if you were having an imagined orgasm (for some it may even be possible to have a real orgasm).

Now, take a small break to catch your breath and take off all of your clothes. Your going to do the same exercises with a woman-on-top position and then a man-on-top position as is comfortable for both of you. Obviously genitals will be touching, but there shouldn’t be any insertion. Arousal is likely and may even lead to a real orgasm. Orgasm is not the goal of these exercises but it is important that you prepare yourself for this possibility.

When you are all done with everything, spend some time just quietly holding each other and relaxing. When both of you have rested for awhile talk about what you learned doing this assignment.

Tomorrow we will post the final assignment in this therapy

Assignment Twelve – Sexual Discussion

2009-03-06T06:30:00.011-06:00

Purpose - Compared to what you have done up to now this should be easy to do. Some couples never discuss their sexual relationship. Usually, nothing improves if you aren't able to talk about it. This is your opportunity to do this.

Exercises - Discuss the following questions allowing each to answer openly and honestly while the other is actively listening without any judgment:

1.) When I love you, I show you it by:
2.) I know that you love me when:
3.) I am turned on when:
4.) I know you are turned on when:
5.) I feel sexual pleasure when:
6.) When you stimulate me physically, I:
7.) Our sexual relationship makes me feel:
8.) One problem that we have overcome sexually is:
9.) One problem that we still need to overcome sexually is:
10.) Something that I want to improve about our sexual relationship is:
11.) I enjoy sexually being with you because:
12.) My hope for our sexual future is:

Important - * Don’t go on until to the next assignment until you can successfully complete this assignment.

Click Here for Assignment Thirteen

Assignment Eleven – Non Demand Teaching

2009-03-05T06:30:00.002-06:00

Purpose - Hopefully you have learned quite a bit up to now what types of touches feels good on your body and where. You probably have been able to share with your spouse some of the ways that you like to be touched. This assignment goes beyond just telling your spouse what feels good by actually showing your spouse how you like to be touched.

Exercises - Start this assignment by taking a bath or shower together. You should set up the environment your similar to how you have done in the past with things like candles, music, clean sheets, and a comfortable temperature. You will not have any clothes on for the entirety of this exercise. Decide who will be the receiver and the giver first. Have the wife sit in front of the husband. The husband should be reclined with pillows behind him to help him sit up. The wife should be leaning back on the husband between his legs in a comfortable position. The wife will place the palm of her hands over top of the back of her husband’s hands. The wife should guide her husband hands all over her body explaining what feels good and what does not. Be sure to explain what type of strokes and how light or strong the strokes should be. You may guide your husband to any place you feel comfortable guiding them. Switch roles. Finish up with talking to each other about your experience followed by a big hug and big “I Love You”.

Important - * Don’t go on until to the next assignment until you can successfully complete this assignment.

Click Here for Assignment Twelve

Assignment Ten – Our Genitals

2009-03-04T06:55:00.004-06:00

Purpose - You know those parts of your body down there? This assignment focuses some special attention on them. Whenever, any person has a negative view of their genitals, it can manifest itself in reservations about one's sexuality and effect their sexual relationship with their spouse. Assignment Four focused on the fact that all of our body was wonderfully built. Now this assignment will teach and/or remind us how beautiful God made the one part of our body that makes us uniquely male or female. This one special part of you is used in the full sacramental expression of marital love toward your spouse. It should be treated with the greatest ammount of respect.

Exercises - This assignment requires a basic diagram of your sexual anatomy. A safe and reverent version of this can be found here or you can find another one on your own. You will also need your scriptures and a hand mirror.

You should shower or bathe together. The environment that you chose to do this assignment will need plenty of light. Of course, you will both need to have no clothing. Start with the husband's anatomy first. Study the diagram that you have. Both of you touch and name every part of his genitals. Use the hand mirror so that both of you can see every part of his genitals. Discuss anything that you know about each part that you touch. Husbands discuss and demonstrate to the wife different ways that you like for your genitals to be touched. Finally as a couple talk about the positive qualities about his genitals and the blessing that you have received from them. Switch roles and do the same activities for the same for the wife.

Next read and discuss the scripture 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 together in the context of your genitals. Take the art supplies that you have. Fold a sheet of plain paper in half. On the right hand inside make an artistic picture of your genitals using the art supplies you have. Make the picture as beautiful as you can. It can be as abstract or detailed as want. Just take time to be creative with it. Spend at least half an hour making your picture. On the inside left hand side, write a dedication to your spouse about how it is wonderful to share something so private and intimate with them. Then share with each other what you made for each other. Talk to each other about what your learned in this experience. End the session with a huge hug and tell each other that you love each other.

Important - * Don’t go on until to the next assignment until you can successfully complete this assignment.

Click Here for Assignment Eleven

Assignment Nine – Spooning

2009-03-03T07:09:00.005-06:00

Purpose - Have you ever heard of “spooning”? This is when you lie next to each other with the back of one person fitting nicely with the front of the other person. This is a really intimate experience as large surfaces of each other’s body are touching each other.

Exercises - Before starting this assignment take a bath or shower. You can do this separately or together if you wish. You should set up the environment similar to how you have done in the past with things like candles and music, etc. You will not have any clothes on for the entirety of this exercise, so check the thermostat too. Decide who will be the receiver and the giver first. The receiver will lie on their side with their back facing the giver. You will touch every square inch of your spouse’s body except their breasts and genitals. Do not use lotion this time. Try to maintain contact with spouse at all time. Radiate warmth from every part of you r body that is touching your spouse including your hands. As the receiver, focus on what feels good. If something doesn’t feel good tell your partner what would make it better. Continue to concentrate on how you communicate with each other. Also continue to be hyper-attuned to the sensation of receiving the warm touch from your partner. After you are done switch roles. Talk to each other about what your learned in this experience. End the session with a huge hug and tell each other that you love each other.

Important - * Don’t go on until to the next assignment until you can successfully complete this assignment.

Click Here for Assignment Ten

Assignment Eight – Our Sexual Development

2009-03-02T07:00:00.010-06:00

Purpose - Talking about sexual matters is difficult for some. The one human being that you ought to be able to trust is your spouse. This assignment is going to require you to open up and be vulnerable. It is possible for some that this assignment will require you to share things with your spouse that you have never shared before. That may be very difficult to do. The rule at all times is to share the truth and say what you need to say as humbly and as positively as you can.

Exercises - In this assignment you will be talking about different experiences that have occurred to you over time to make you the sexual person that you are today. Because this exercise may take preparation, start working on this individually a few days before hand, posibly taking notes, before starting this session. Below is a timeline of the typical stages of sexual development. Use them to remember different experiences in your life that contributed to your sexual development.

Stage-> Critical Learning-> Impact on Sexual Adjustment

Infancy-> Bonding-> Capacity for Intimacy

Toddlerhood-> Touching, Naming, and Controlling of Genitals-> Positive Acceptance of Genitals (User Friendly)

Preschool-> Question Asking-> Openess & Commmunication Regarding Sexuality

School Age-> Discovery of Opposite Sex-> Increased Awareness of Gender Identity

Preadolescence-> Erotic Feelings and Bumbling Discovery-> Self-Acceptance andCompetence in Dealing wth the Opposite Sex

Adolescence-> Decision-Making-> Taking Responsibility for One’s Own Sexuality

Source: Restoring the Pleasure by Penner and Penner

Take turns talking about your sexual developments. As a special note, it is believed that one in three women and one in ten men have been sexually assaulted at some time in their life. These events clearly have an impact on your sexual development. This can and should be addressed in this discussion. However, everyone is in different stages of healing with their sexual traumas. Their spouse should not press for any more details than the survivor is willing to share. Also any explicit details of any consensual sexual encounters with anyone other than your spouse should not be discussed. After you have both shared, give each other a long hug and express your love for each other.

Important - * If you successfully completed this task, congratulations! This is without a doubt the hardest thing for some to do. Decide on a reward for the both of you to enjoy for getting this far before going on to the next assignment.

Click Here for Assignment Nine

Assignment Seven – Entire Body Massage Excluding Breasts and Genitals

2009-03-01T08:33:00.009-06:00

Purpose - This is the last assignment that exclusively concentrates on practicing sensate focused touch. All of yours and your spouse's body will be touched except for the breasts and genitals. This is so that you can discover or rediscover all the places that are sensual and arouses both of you. Some couples that have gotten into a routine that ignores these secondary means of arousal instead going straight for the breasts and genitals. The art of slowly building up arousal through touching less sexual parts can be very satisfying. It is like savoring a good meal for a longer time because it tastes so good. This is the exercise to learn to feast on your lovely bride or groom and enjoy the meal.

Exercises - Before starting this assignment take a bath or shower separately. You should set up the environment similar to how you have done in the past with things like candles and music, clean sheets are nice too, and make sure the room is a comfortable temperature. You will not have any clothes on for this entirety of this exercise. Decide who will be the receiver and the giver first. This time you will touch every square inch of your spouse’s body except their breasts and genitals. You may even chose to incorporate kissing parts of your spouse's body. You can use lotion if you desire. If doing this, find something that smells good to both of you. As the receiver, focus on what feels good. If something doesn’t feel good tell your partner what would make it better. If something does feel good tell your partner how it feels good. Continue to concentrate on how you communicate with each other. Both of you need to know what feels good to each other. Also continue to be hyper-attuned to the sensation of receiving the warm touch from your partner. As the giver remember to let love and warmth emanate from your fingers into your spouse’s body. After you are done switch roles. Talk to each other about what your learned in this experience. End the session with a huge hug and tell each other that you love each other.

Important - * Don’t go on until to the next assignment until you can successfully complete this assignment.

Click Here for Assignment Eight

Assignment Six - Kissing

2009-02-28T07:29:00.006-06:00

Purpose - Kissing is really sensual, especially with the senses of taste and touch. In this assignment you have the opportunity to apply the skills of sensate focusing to this activity. Everyone likes to be kissed in different ways. If you are not really sure what your spouse likes then communication will be really important in this assignment.

Exercises - Start off brushing your teeth thoroughly including flossing and gargling. Sit down somewhere comfortable with your clothing on. Take some time to explain to each other how you like to be kissed. Once again one of you will be actively giving while the other receiving. Decide who will take each role first. The giver will experiment with different ways of kissing their spouse in the ways that their spouse has said that they like to be kissed. You might try things such as; licking, nibbling, and giving a light peck across you spouse’s lips. As with most of these exercises, try to be hyperly-attuned to both the sense of taste and touch. Remember to communicate what feels good. Take this exercise slowly. Avoid being too intense or passionate. This is one situation where less is definitely more. After doing this for awhile, switch roles. Take time afterwards to talk about your experience. End the session as always by giving each other a passionate hug and telling each other that you love each other.

Important - * Don’t go on until to the next assignment until you can successfully complete this assignment.

Click Here for Assignment Seven

Assignment Five – Back Massage

2009-02-27T06:31:00.006-06:00

Purpose: This is exercise is just a continuation of the practice that you were doing in Assignment Three. Except this time you will be concentrating on your spouse's back. Also it is an opportunity to get creative with the way you touch and receive your spouse's touch. Beyond practicing your touch it is chance to communicate verbally and non-verbally about what feels good where and how.

Exercises: Before starting this assignment take a bath or shower separately. You should set up the environment similar to what you did in assignment three with things like with candles, music, or nice clothes. Decide who will start off being the receiver and the giver first. This time you will give each other a back massage. Again you won’t be touching any other part of part of each other’s body. You can use lotion if you desire. If do this, find something that smells good to both of you. As the receiver, focus on what feels good. If something doesn’t feel good tell your partner what would make it better. If something does feel good tell your partner how it feels good. This time do a better job communicating with each other what you are feeling than you did in assignment three. Remember to be hyper-attuned to the sensation of receiving the warm touch from your partner. As the giver remember to let love and warmth emanate from your fingers into your spouse’s body. After you are done switch roles. Talk to each other about what your learned in this experience. End the session with a huge hug and tell each other that you love each other.

Important: * Don’t go on to the next assignment until you can successfully complete this assignment.

Click Here for Assignment Six

Assignment Four – Our Wonderful Bodies

2009-02-26T06:46:00.002-06:00

Purpose - Another barrier that some have to fully enjoying their sexuality is negative thoughts about their own body. It is sad that Satan has been able to get a hold of so many of our hearts and minds to convince us that our bodies are ugly. Nothing can be further than the truth. This exercise reminds us how beautiful our bodies are and how well they have been created. The other goal in this assignment is connect with all parts of our body. Some individuals feel disconnected from some parts of their body. Using the enhancing of senses we have learned and practiced in the last two exercises, you have the ability to get reconnect to all of our body if you has lost touch with it over time.

Instructions - First step is to find a copy of Susan W. Tanner’s Saturday Morning General Conference Talk from October 2005 entitled The Sanctity of the Body. Snuggle into each other on your bed and take turns a paragraph at a time reading aloud the article. Take your time reading the words. Feel the spirit confirm to you the truth of these words. Share with each other your testimony about the truthfulness of these words.

Next, take off all of your clothes and stand in front of a full length mirror. One at a time, name every body part you can think of. When you say the name of a body part, pause for a moment. Be hyper-attuned to the senses that you are receiving from that part of your body. Don’t say anything other than the name of a body part. The passive partner should be silent throughout and just observe. Keep going until you have named every part of your body. Before you finish and while you are looking at your naked body re-state the testimony you shared with your spouse earlier, especially in the context of your own body. Remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made (See Ps. 139: 14). Switch roles. End the session by talking about what you learned and give each other a big hug.

Important - * Don’t go on until to the next assignment until you can successfully complete this assignment.

Click Here for Assignment Five

Assignment Three - Head, Hand and Foot Massage

2009-02-25T06:35:00.003-06:00

Purpose - Now that you have learned to amplify the messages from your senses, you will now practice doing that with touch from your spouse. This assumes of course that touch from another human being has a positive association for you. There are some people that becaus of abuse, have a negative association with touch and find this exercise difficult. If that is your situation, you should work through the book The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz before moving on.

Instructions - Work first to prepare the environment that you are going to use for this exercise to make it inviting and special. You might do this with candles, music, or nice clothes. Decide who will be the receiver and who will be the giver first. You will give each other a head, hand and foot massage. Don’t touch any other part of each other’s body. You can use lotion if you desire. If you do this, find something that smells good to both of you. If you are the receiver focus on what feels good. If something doesn’t feel good tell your partner what would make it better. If something does feel good let your partner know, so that they can also feel your pleasure. Remember what you learned in assignment two. Try to be hyper-attuned to the sensation of receiving a warm touch from your partner. For the giver imagine that warm chocolate is running out your fingers and soaking into your spouse. After you are done, switch roles. Talk to each other about what you learned in this experience. End the session with a huge hug and tell each other that you love each other.

Important - * Don’t go on to the next assignment until you can successfully give and receive pleasure with a deeper sense of touch than your normally do.

Click Here for Assignment Four

Sensate Focus Assignment Two – The Sensory Basket

2009-02-24T06:25:00.009-06:00

Purpose: It is time to remind yourself about all of your five senses. All pleasure in our lives come through them. With all the fast paced living, it is easy to loose touch with the messages they bring to us. This exercise will slow things down and give you the opportunity to "stop and smell the roses" literally. Most of the following exercises will be based on what you learn in this lesson. It is really important that you understand this exercise for that reason.

Instructions: For this assignment you will need to look wide eyed at the world around like a child would. Each of you should get a basket and walk around your home and find objects that are pleasurable to your sight, touch, smell, taste, and hearing. To give you an idea you might get items like a velvet cloth, a piece of fruit, a favorite CD, a bell, a polished rock, or stuffed animals. Bring your basket of objects back to your bedroom and share with each other what you found. Spend time interacting with every object. Try to make yourself really experience each and every sensation. Don’t just taste the fruit but really savor it. Don’t just listen to the music, feel the music all the way down to bones. Try to be hyper-attuned to each of your senses. Spend some time afterwards talking about what you experienced.

Important - * Don’t go on to the next assignment until you can honestly say that you were able to experience your senses more deeply than you normally do.

Click here for Assignment Three

Sensate Focus Assignment One – Write a Love Letter to Your Spouse

2009-02-23T06:18:00.003-06:00

Purpose - Any relationship takes commitment. Nothing requires greater commitment than marriage. This assignment reminds you and your spouse how much you are commited to each other. To get through these sensate focus assignments, you both need to love each other enough to want to make things better between the two of you. It is time to express everything that is in your heart and head.

Instructions - Get out an actual pen and paper for this. It is time to push away from the computer for awhile. You are going to write a love letter to your spouse. Don’t worry about spelling and punctuation. It really doesn’t matter anyways. Just let the words pour out of you like a continuous fountain. Explain why you love your spouse. Explain why you married them. Explain why you are committed to each other. And explain why you are committed to doing these exercises. Don’t worry about what your words sound like. Just make them authentic and what you are thinking. Be positive through out your letter. It isn’t the format for discussing problems. It is a time for expressing love and commitment. Read your letter to your spouse afterwards. Talk about what you wrote. Give each other a big hug.

* Important - Don’t go on to the next assignment until you can do this in a completely honest and positive way. If you have trouble doing this, you really need to discuss this barrier with a marriage therapist (No kidding! This is basic relationship stuff).

Click Here to go to Assignment two.

Introduction to Sensate Focus Therapy

2009-02-22T18:11:00.008-06:00

The phrase Sensate Focus was first introduced by Masters and Johnson. Mark has developed this particular set of Sensate Focus Therapy exercises to use with his clients. It is a blending of several sources such as Laura Brotherson’s book And They Were Not Ashamed, Penner and Penner’s Restoring the Pleasure, and Wendy Maltz’s book The Sexual Healing Journey. It also contains his own style of counseling.

This therapy is a wonderful way to either introduce or re-introduce a pleasurable experience to the physical intimacy of a committed couple. A neat way of describing it is like putting your sexuality on reset. It works on a series of progressive steps. Each adds an additional layer of intimacy. Steps usually should be done in order with a commitment of mastering one step before moving onto the next. The steps can be repeated as many times as necessary. There is no need to rush on to more complicated steps without understanding and mastering the earlier steps. Take as much time as is needed. For some couples it may help to schedule regular time for doing this work together.

Each session on average takes about an hour. Normal sexual relations do not need to be disrupted between sessions. However, while you doing a session, focus on the task at hand and avoid your normal sexual routine. If you so desire, you can do that afterwards. During a session though, it is a time for the learning of new habits or techniques that require practice and concentration. So please practice self control.

Communication is absolutely critical. Both partners should provide an ever ending loop of communicating both verbally and physically about what is going on with each of you. If you only go through the steps mechanically, you will find that these exercises will have absolutely no benefit to you.

This therapy will force you to look into yourself and to connect with your own body. You have five senses: your sight, hearing, taste, smell, and feeling. They are always there and more than likely they are a forgotten friends. They have helped you experience everything in this world. Sometimes it is necessary to reawaken your senses. Remember when you were a child and all the world was fun and exciting to explore? Get into that frame of mind when you work on this therapy. It will take your experience with sex to a whole new level.

Click Here for Assignment Number 1.

New Feature Anouncement

2009-02-22T10:31:00.005-06:00

Over the next two weeks, we will be posting a special series of posts. Every day will feature a new post. The posts will be one step in a set of sensate focus therapy exercises that Mark developed when working with LDS couples. Sensate Focus is a therapy originally developed by Masters and Johnsons and frequently used by sex therapists today to help couples learn skills that enhances marital intimacy. The introduction will be posted latter this evening with the first step tomorrow morning. If you try these exercies with your spouse, the only thing we ask in return is an honest evaluation of how these exercises did or did not help you so that we can attempt to make them better for other couples.

Unentwined from Masturbation

2009-02-21T07:27:00.008-06:00

I promised that I would discuss this topic. Spencer W. Kimball was clear about the Lord's view of this act. He stated that, "Masturbation, a rather common indiscretion, is not approved of the Lord nor of his church, regardless of what may have been said by others whose “norms” are lower. Latter-day Saints are urged to avoid this practice." (Spencer W. Kimball, “President Kimball Speaks Out on Morality,” New Era, Nov 1980, 39)

For some this is enough information on the topic and need nothing further. However, it is my experience that some very faithful and concerned members still have additional questions about masturbation that I am going to take this opportunity to discuss.

First of all lets be clear on what masturbation is and is not. Masturbation is sexually stimulating oneself to arousal and orgasm for the sole purpose of sexually satisfying that one person. What is not masturbation, is when a person simply touches their genitals. Nor is Masturbation the touching of oneself to arousal (or even orgasm) in the presence of a spouse. Finally, Even the stimulation of oneself to orgasm while the spouse is as far away as the other side of the world and the two of them are connected to each other via the telephone or Internet is not masturbation. To understand why I say this we should discuss a little bit about why masturbation is a problem and why our Loving Heavenly Father would give us guidance on avoiding masturbation.

I always like to understand the purpose behind a rule. It makes it easier for me to follow it when I understand why it exists. No, Heavenly Father didn't tell us to avoid masturbation to keep us sexually repressed. Remember he wants us to drink deeply from the cup of joy in being sexual beings. He wants us to express ourselves sexually. But he wants that expression to be toward our husband or wife. When we masturbate, there is no connection with our spouse. It drives our natural selfish part deeper into selfishness. We have enough opportunities in this life to find ways to be selfish. There is no need to take our sexuality, the greatest force of binding people together, to instead turn it inward and bonding ourselves to our self.

If you are convinced that masturbation is wrong, but find yourself repeatedly returning to this habit. You are not alone. It is a difficult habit to overcome, especially if you have used it as a means of dealing with stress or a lack of your spouse's sexual attentiveness for years. I believe that Our Lord understands these struggles and will show you the greatest degree of compassion possible. Remember that our covenant with Him is to continue to work toward perfection, not to be perfect. Do not be harsh with yourself if you are caught up in habitual masturbation. Rather give the Lord the opportunity to show you how his way of living, means greater happiness and joy for you and your spouse.

What's OK and What's Not

2009-02-16T12:44:00.014-06:00

This is probably the most common question asked anytime the subjects of Sexuality and Religion are combined. However answering this question is not easy to do. Anyone that ventures to try, receives a flurry of reaction from others. Many people have some very strong opinions. I jump into this question with boldness believing that what follows is the best way to handle the topic.

Religious interpretation of two specific sexual acts produce even more controversy than any other sexual acts. These two are masturbation and oral sex. I will write in greater detail about them in separate posts in the future.

I really understand the desire to know what God views as sexually acceptable and what is not acceptable. Clearly some things aren't when Spencer W. Kimball said "There are some people who have said that behind closed doors anything goes. That is not true and the Lord would not condone it" (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 312). Is there a list that Spencer W. Kimball or any of our the other leaders of our Church given us? Simply, the answer is no.

If our leaders would get into a list of sexual do's and don'ts they would constantly spend more and more time clarifying previous statements about what was alright. Can you imagine having conference talks specifying in detail what can be placed where and when? And then members rushing to their bishops to get more specific instruction than was given in conference. If you give it some thought there is some wisdom in not having a list of specific do's and don'ts. This is why Joseph Smith said "I teach them correct principals and let them govern themselves".

So here are some correct principals that you can consider while you and your spouse decide what is a uplifting expressions of your love:

1.) We should avoid physically or mentally having sexual contact with anyone other than our spouse.
2.) We should remember that sex is a gift from God for the expression of love.
3.) We should love each like we love our own bodies.
4.) We should not do anything sexually to our spouse that we wouldn't want done to us if we were them.
5.) We should be tender and respectful of ourselves and each other.
6.) We should be committed to finding mutual satisifaction.
7.) We should not be coerced or baggered into doing something we are uncomfortable doing.
8.) We should communicate before, during, and after sex.
9.) We should always work toward the ideal of being One which includes agreement about what is right and what isn't.
10.) We should pay attention to and understand personal promptings from the Holy Spirit about what is right and what isn't.

Entwined with Other Faiths

2009-02-14T14:28:00.007-06:00

One of the goals of this blog is to get people to realize that there is an awful lot that goes into our sexuality. Our culture is a big influence on it. While there are many positive messages in our culture about sexuality. There is also a lot of negatives as well. That is why I like to take time to understand the culture of others around the world to see if I can incorporate some of their positive views into my own.

Popular belief in our culture States that Islam is a sexually repressive religion. Actually nothing can be further than the truth. Undoubtedly reports of the extreme treatment of women by radicals in that religion does a lot to build this misconception. However, their culture teaches that the primary reason for sexuality is for pleasure.

Hinduism which is largely a collection of complex religious mythology has produced some interesting thoughts about sexuality as well. According to Hinduism, four possible approaches to life should be pursued. One of them is Kama or the pursuit of pleasure. It is from this Hindu approach to life that we have received the Kama Sutra a religious guide for expressing sexual behaviors . While I am not personally interested in worshiping Hindu gods or following a prescription for being intimate with my wife, the Kama Sutra has some good philosophies about how to combine spirituality and sexuality that we all should learn to do.

Buddhism and Hinduism also provide different forms of Tantra. Tantra teaches that males and females each have different forms of energy. When they come together and express these energies together by being sexual, it can elevate both to a higher spiritual level. My own personal experience can testify that at least this part of Tantric thought is absolutely true.

Then there are the beliefs from our spiritual cousin, Judaism. This religion has the most beautiful views about sexuality. During the Jewish marriage ceremony there is a time that the new husband and wife are escorted off to a private room where they can consummate their marriage (if they choose to) while all the other wedding guests enjoy the wedding feast. This private time is considered to be the actual moment that they become husband and wife. Judaism also teaches that it is the wife's right to be sexually satisfied and it is the husband's duty to ensure that the wife enjoys all their sexual encounters. Finally, they teach that one of the holiest activities that one can engage in on the Sabbath is sexual intercourse.

Then you may be very surprised to find out that even the Puritans, who are often blamed for a negative sexual influence on our sexuality today actually upheld sex as a gift from God. They believed that sex was a very holy act between a husband and wife.

Given that every major religion of the world upholds sex between a married couples as good and holy, does that fact influence you any? The LDS Church is no different. It stands side by side with all the other major faiths that sex between husband and wife is good, holy, and given by God.

Why in the world then is there so much belief that religion and sexuality are incompatible? There may be many answers to that question but the one I like best is that it is the desire of Satan, the father of all lies (who by the way, will never have a body and to be able to enjoy sex) tries any number of ways to destroy our God given gift. Don't let that happen. If you still have any doubts, allow the Spirit to testify to you of the sacredness of sexuality in marriage.

Entwined with Beauty

2009-02-14T06:36:00.008-06:00

It is really interesting to ask a group of men what is the most beautiful and erotic parts of the female body. Then it is interesting to ask the wives of these men the same question. Of course you will find on both lists answers like breasts, hips, thighs, etc. However, what is really interesting is one body part that frequently comes up on the men's list and almost never comes up on the wife's list. That is the smile. When I talk to men, most of them agree, that a confident, come get me kind of smile reels them in every time and gets them going. When I talk to women and explain that this is a big tool in their arsenal to turn on their husband, they typically can't believe it is true. They are convinced that hours in the gym, fifteen beauty creams, and a new outfit is what is necessary to turn the head of their man.

And why would women believe any differently? Look at all the advertising all around us. It seems that nearly half of everything being advertised is something to make women feel more beautiful. Some of that is alright. But where is the emphasis that the inner vessel needs beauty treatment as well?. The inside of a woman needs a strong connection to Deity, confidence in who they are, and the knowledge that they are absolutely critical in this world. Show me a woman that is radiating these inner beauties and you will have shown me a beautiful woman regardless of her dress size.

Up on the wall of our bedroom you will find this painting. It is a painting by Renoir. Notice the rolls of fat on the side of this woman's body. Our society rejects that as being ugly today. But in Renoir's day she would have been a super model. Society's standards of beauty are a constantly moving target and only a really small percentage of women will ever meet it. Does that relegate all the rest of the women to status of ugly. Hardly, but good luck convincing women otherwise.

Go back and look at this painting once more. Look at the elegance and innocence that she radiates. This is inner beauty at it's finest. If you are a woman reading this and find yourself caught up in the endless race of buying more things to make the outside beautiful, I urge to do two things. First spend as much time and energy working on your insides. Second believe your man when he tells you that you are beautiful. Men continue to tell your wives they are beautiful even if they constantly reject your statements. Your relationship will grow because of it.

The Giving of our Bodies

2009-02-13T04:56:00.010-06:00

Over the last week in the LDS Sexuality Yahoo group that I am a member of, there has been a discussion of the concept of giving our bodies to our spouses. You will find a scriptural basis for this discussion in two scriptures. First is in Genesis 2:24 "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." The second in 1st Corinthians 7:4 "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife."

One woman in reading the above verses felt somewhat guilty for having frequently turned down her husband's sexual advances. She realized that she had justified her rejection with excuses like she was busy, she didn't feel up to it, etc; but saw these were really only lies she had told herself to justify her behavior. Secretly she felt that sex was evil and needed to be avoided as much as possible. Reading these scriptures she came to the realization that God does not view sex as evil. She decided to put an end to all of her excuses. She resolved in her mind to find ways to say yes to her husband. As the ultimate symbol of her changed heart, she presented herself to her husband with nothing on but a red bow. She told her husband that she felt convicted by Heavenly Father that she had never fully given herself to her husband and would do so from that point on.

Isn't that a beautiful story? If this story hits home for you and you realize that you have been rejecting your spouse's advances, please consider a commitment to your spouse. There are some circumstance where this gift should not be considered. For example if there is spousal abuse going on this must end first. For the sexually addicted, significant progress in recovery must be accomplished. And those that are the victims of sexual trauma will need significant healing first. Beyond that, we all should considering giving this gift to our spouse.

I am going to end this post with an old wedding vow from the Anglican Church which was frequently used to marry couples for centuries. "With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow”. What a beautiful commitment to each other. How amazing it would be if that wedding vow was supported and upheld by our culture today.

Entwined with Deity

2009-02-08T11:04:00.005-06:00

Did you know that God approves, supports and encourages you to be intimate with your spouse. Lest anyone is unsure, let us take a quick journey through some scriptures.

If you look at Genesis 1:27-28 you will find the following: So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.

Did you catch that? God blessed Adam and Eve with the ability to procreate? It is a blessing that we have been given the power to join in His Creation of this world. And we do this through having sex with our spouse.

Then President Joseph F. Smith makes it very clear that that God intended us to have sex in marriage for more than procreation. “The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure.”

In 1 Corinthians 7 3-5 Paul gives the following advice: Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Paul indicates that there is strength by frequently being intimate with each other. It just shows that frequent sex with your spouse can’t be a sin rather it is means of reducing temptation to sin.
Then Heavenly Father goes further and in Prov. 5: 19 leaves no doubt that we are to enjoy sex. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

Whew! It is getting warm in here. And that wasn’t even from the Song of Solomon.

Then finally my absolute favorite quote about marital intimacy is from Jeffrey R Holland when he was still the president of BYU. He says “Sexual intimacy is not only a symbolic union between a man and a woman--the uniting of their very souls--but it is also symbolic of a union between mortals and deity, between otherwise ordinary and fallible humans uniting for a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this wide universe of ours. In this latter sense, human intimacy is a sacrament, a very special kind of symbol.”

Elevating sexual intimacy to the level suggested here, will no longer hold anyone back with fear or trepidation. Instead it frees the husband and wife to fully enjoy sex in the way God intended us to do. My hope one day all of us will understand the big picture about how beautiful sexual intimacy in marriage really is.”

Emotionally Entwined Women

2009-02-07T20:00:00.007-06:00

There is no doubt about it. Women are emotional. A woman can easily experience five emotions simultaneously crying, laughing, and engaging in a conversation about the whole experience at the same time. This is a gift (although at times I am sure that some women see it as a curse) given to them by God for the benefit of all mankind.

However, did you know that all these emotions play an intricate role in the expression of her sexuality? A woman must filter her arousal through the emotional center of her mind before it can be expressed through her body. In other words, her emotions either gives her the thumbs up or the thumbs down on getting turned on. If a woman does not feel safe or believes that she is being used, it does not matter what her man does. She will not find sexual satisfaction. This is first and foremost why positions and techniques only get you so far in having a satisfying intimate relationship. Instead nurturing your relationship with your spouse, opening up, and being close to each other does a whole lot more.

Men on the other hand have a direct route for their arousal. This is why men can have an intense fight with their spouse and then five minutes later, are able to be intimate with their wife. Emotions play no necessary role in arousal for men. This does not mean that a man can not learn how to tap into the emotional part of themselves while being "eternally entwined". In fact, any man that does learn how to do this will greatly increase satisfaction for both themselves as well as the love of their life.

Welcome

2009-02-07T13:01:00.008-06:00

After the success of the Eternal Helpmates blog, we have launched a companion blog. Eternally Entwined takes a unique approach to the topic of marital intimacy. To help couples understand the richness and the vibrancy that we were intended to enjoy in marriage, we are going to go where few venture. We will discuss the art of making love with our hearts, mind and spirit at the same time we are doing so with our bodies.

If you have come here only for advice on things like anatomy, techniques, positions, or aids this blog will disappoint you. There won't be much of that. If you need that type of information, what follows are good, safe sources.

LDS Sexuality E-mail group - You will find Mark as a regular poster there.
LDS Sexuality Message Board - You can read questions and answers from other members.
Wikipedia - A great place to look for basic information on any topic.
The Marriage Bed - A Christian Sexuality Site and Forum. Warning: if you decide to particpate at this site, members there.
Strengthening Marriage - This is the blog of LDS author Laura Brotherson, author of And They Were Not Ashamed.

This blog rather is for more advanced information about our sexuality; breathing fresh air and understanding on an often under discussed topic. You will learn (or reaffirm) the art of connecting emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually before and while connecting physically. This type of making love is reaffirming, renewing, and rewarding. If this is a new concept for you, cozy up to the computer as we explore this topic together.